Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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