He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
super hot butfun
Oops. What a difference a comma and a space make.
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
Randomize
