Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
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