I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
Go christen that room with your naked body.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
Randomize
