I just did your MASH and your life is pretty unfortunate. Youre marrying the tech guy for love. you live in a shack and you're a hooker and you make $1 a day. you drive a brown limo and you have 7 kids
Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
Randomize