I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
I don't remember but we shouldn't have a problem. Unless drunk you encouraged drunk me not to wear a condom.
I think we have a problem.
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
Randomize