i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
