You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
Will you blow on my dice?
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
Randomize
