if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
the cops accepted 42 wallaby way Sydney. and the cops, and cab driver accepted the new address. please tell the win i am experiencing
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
Randomize
