Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Randomize