I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
Randomize