Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
Randomize
