I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
cassie wtf are you alive??! no one has seen you for like seven hours whereeee did you go
IS IT POSSIBLE FOR A GUY TO NOT HAVE BALLS
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
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