Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
sold 4 oz of weed today pantsless. man i love college.
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Randomize
