I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
and you fell through a lawn chair
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
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