i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
Randomize
