my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
So i decided to deal with the awkwardness of last night by making out with all three of them
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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