Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
Randomize
