if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
Randomize
