Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
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