I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
Randomize
