I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
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