hi i'm bored and kind of... in a sort of dirty mood
pics
no i'm at a mixer dressed up as the teenage mutant ninja turtles
Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
somebody snuck up and got me drunk
Is there a tactful way for me to ask a girl to let me know when she gets her period?
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Randomize
