Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
just taught 3 girls from korea how to fist pump on chat roulette.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
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