i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
