the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
if I was a wizard from waverly place we wouldn't b having these problems
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
