Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
i will never coherently bang her
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
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