I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
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