If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
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