Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
Randomize
