Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
