can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
I haven't even sucked a boob is 6 weeks I hate not college
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
