The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
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