I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
Randomize
