Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
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