not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
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