So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
Randomize
