Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
we watched a tutorial on how to do guidette makeup
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Randomize
