I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
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