I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
