My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
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