Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
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