do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Randomize
