life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
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