My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
Randomize
