I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
My vagina just clenched in fear
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
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