i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
Need sex. Gaining weight.
Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
My dad just said "fuck circus"
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Randomize
