That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
Randomize
