Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
Randomize
