I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
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