i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
There aren't nearly as many guys masturbating on chatroulette as i was led to believe...i feel cheated
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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