I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
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