She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
Thank you for not boning my boss.
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
You left your phone here
Wait...
Randomize
