Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
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