singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Randomize
